August 11, 2025
I have no idea how to plan for the future, and I don’t want to live in confusion every day.
Losing interest in everything and not knowing how to recover.
I miss my mother and really want to chat with her. I never liked talking to my mother in the past. I felt that there was nothing to say and everything I said was nonsense.
Nowadays, I really want to sit down with my mother, drink, eat, and chat. It would be a great warmth.
When I was a child, I only cared about myself and was playful, and I hated my mother's nagging and discipline. After four years of college, I was away from home for the first time, went to boarding school, and let myself go. My life had no rules, and the order was upside down. I failed many subjects, lost my degree, and suffered from depression.
Every time I went home at the weekend, I looked depressed, and then it became more and more serious. After my mother found out, she often chatted with me and asked about my mental condition. She was very patient. She saw me off all the way back to school and gave me guidance as I walked. Only mother in the world can care about you so carefully, and only mother can feel sorry for you. For me, it was too late to understand everything.
Everything is like an illusion, the five flavors are mixed and there is no time to feel it, like a passing cloud, everyone and everything passes by in a hurry, and the rush makes everything seem meaningless.
There are so many things in this world that are magical, confusing, incomprehensible, unbelievable, and I don’t know why everything works like this.
The objective world is too psychedelic for individuals, too long and too huge for people.
It seems that the only meaning is to live your own life well, and there is really no need to think too much about other things, because thinking is meaningless.
Maybe everything is really a dream, just an experience, don't make the experience too bad.
When thinking about the rest of your life, you must have goals. Life without goals turns out to be such a torture.
Everyone will die in different ways. I thought that I would die alone. I have been able to feel this in the past few years. The feeling of loneliness is so strong that it can overwhelm all other feelings in life.
I often write something at night, but I am also lonely. I have no one to talk to and can only talk to myself, otherwise I may not know how to spend the night.
I wonder if my mother would have felt this way in the past. At that time, I never talked to my mother to relieve her depression. Thinking about it now, I regret it like a knife. The most important thing in life is the temperature of a person, something that can make people warm. Compared with this, everything else is insignificant.
It's too late, it's too late to understand.
I want to cry again.