Go to Shanghai again

After a trip to Shanghai and then back to Wuxi, I felt mentally exhausted and internally exhausted. My energy was very low and I had no concentration to do things. I was delayed at work, and I was not in the mood to go to the other party to solve household chores and rework. I was energy-consuming arguing with others, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. The procrastination of things would cause anxiety and other symptoms. I fell into a vicious cycle as before. I was helpless and frail as an ordinary person. Human energy does have high and low changes, which are invisible but can be clearly felt.

My brother has been back in Shanghai for three weeks this time. The day is about to leave Shanghai and fly to Germany. I want to chat with my brother again and discuss some things, so I have to go to Shanghai to stay for a few more days and face my father who easily makes me depressed.

I went there for three days, consumed two days, and was effective for one day.

In that environment, I was easily irritated, because all I could see was unpleasantness, and it was useless to be mentally prepared. Unhappiness is a natural human reaction. My brother is also quite irritable because he has a lot of things to do, basically all his family affairs. He has to worry about and operate all the big and small things. There is nothing he can do, this is his fate. Naturally, people with too many things to do will not be able to calm down, and people who are impatient will naturally be prone to arguments. For the same thing, the speed of speaking can affect the development of the matter, but when there are many things to do, people will naturally speak faster. People’s instinctive habits make it difficult to suppress their own instinctive habits. Don’t suppress people’s natural reactions easily. It may not be a good thing, so I don’t blame my brother’s reaction.

I had a dispute with my brother over a trivial matter. The matter was related to my father. Although the matter was trivial, it hurt my emotions and spirit.

The reason is the fixation of a towel hanging rod. My concept is that it can be solved without buying additional accessories. It may not be useful. I buy a bunch of useless things online and eventually throw them away after a while. Although it does not waste much money, I hate this behavior in my concept. It is a problem of life attitude. It does not mean that it is okay to just buy worthless things, try them out and throw them away. This shows the unconstrained attitude of consumption. It is like littering, and it is not environmentally friendly. If it is free, you can create unlimited garbage? It seems that solving problems is very efficient and fast, but in fact it is impatience. We don’t need to rush to do a lot of things. If there are really so many things, then we need to reflect on why there are so many things. Are various desires and demands too high? Instead of thinking about various harmful ways to improve efficiency and pushing yourself harder. This kind of busy state can be developed into a habit until the end of life, and life is always in a "highly efficient busy state".

In this way, the last two days before my brother left caused an emotional disaster for me. I wasted two days, had no effective communication, and everyone said goodbye in an unpleasant way.

The reason is still related to his father. He usually has weird and sloppy living habits, illogical storage, laziness in everything, stubbornness and rigidity, and is so deaf that he cannot communicate and does not wear hearing aids. Most of these are not because he is old, but he is like this when he is young. So, I can ignore it but not tolerate it.

In short, in the future, try to avoid interacting with your father. In fact, it is difficult. It goes against people's natural reactions and is really helpless. Protect yourself, your health comes first, there is nothing wrong with that.

At the age of nearly 50, the most important thing to me is my health and peace of mind. If anyone or anything affects these two points, then isolate yourself, draw clear boundaries, and stay safe.

Think about the derogatory word "selfish" independently. There is nothing wrong with being moderately selfish. It can allow people to achieve a peaceful and joyful life, away from the endless entanglements of absurd people in the world. Life is short, and there is no such great power to wrestle with fate. This goes against the will of the Creator. The Creator does not need you to think about others everywhere. Everyone has his own cause and effect. Therefore, stay away from people and things that affect you.

In the second half of my mother's life, I have learned heartbreaking lessons at an irreparable price, so please remember.