August 23, 2024
I have read a lot of books this year, and it has become a lonely year. Living alone is both happy and helpless.
Because I am lonely, I read books to fill some of my spiritual emptiness.
This year, I am not as enthusiastic about traveling as before. Except for very far away places, such as South America, I will still be a little enthusiastic. Most of the happiness has no one to share it with. To be precise, there is no suitable person to share it with, regardless of the same sex or the opposite sex.
In terms of life concepts, I have changed a lot. It is a big change. I pay more attention to life. I feel a little awakened. I like cooking more than before and I am not careless about eating. I like to make the house comfortable and tidy, have a cup of coffee or something else to drink in the afternoon, read a book with my kindle (z-library has really good books), or take a camping chair to sit in the wetland park opposite, watch the ripples on the lake, listen to the chirping of birds, and watch the fish occasionally tumbling out of the lake, which is also pleasant.
I have figured out a lot of things that bothered me in my life before, although occasionally I still have the same emotional sensitivity and fluctuations as before.
This year I feel that my father has aged a lot, his brain has aged, he is deaf (I don’t like to wear hearing aids yet), his memory has become poor, his thinking is slower than before, and he seems to be a lot slower in dealing with things in life. My father has always been a person who doesn’t know much about life. He is reserved and cautious, and has no real interests or hobbies. This became a problem in his later years. Every day he would sit on the bus and wander around in the park, aimlessly. As he got older, his physical strength was not good enough. Going out and wandering around could not fill the void in the spiritual world, and it was not convenient to go out often in the future. I tried to persuade him to find something he liked, but it was useless. When my father was young, he only knew about work and work. He didn’t pay much attention to family life and personal growth. In fact, the most important thing in life is work. He has never understood it in his life. Hey, I am so stupid. I can understand my mother’s pain at that time.
I miss my mother very much. After so many years, I still feel sad when I think about it. Recently I took out my mother’s photo and hung it up. When I look at the photo, I feel a little like seeing my mother in person. Her smile, expression and demeanor are clear in my eyes, as if she is still alive and missed.
After my brother settled in Germany, there was still less contact. It was not that he didn’t want to contact him, but because the living environment was different and there were fewer common contacts, so alienation was inevitable.
I miss the old house on Zhonghua New Road in Shanghai, the time when my family lived a hard life together. Although the conditions were difficult, most of the things that impressed me most were those difficult ones. Now I feel kind and warm when I recall it.